May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and one topic that is consistently on our radar — as we support leaders in creating belonging for themselves and others in their organizations — is the emotional tax associated with not feeling a sense of belonging at work. According to a 2016 report by Catalyst, “How Black Women and Men Pay More at Work and How Leaders Can Take Action,” emotional tax is the heightened experience of being different from others because of identities such as gender and race, and the associated detrimental effects on health, well-being, and ability to thrive at work. The study, which included close to 700 Black employees, found that 45% of those who felt different, based on gender and race/ethnicity, had sleep problems, and 54% felt they had to be constantly “on guard.”
We recently worked with Tiffany, a Black woman and president of a small business, who for the first time was evaluating the emotional tax she had paid in the predominantly white corporate environments in which she had spent her career. She had created a survival mechanism — “I am just going to work harder to prove myself” — to succeed in those environments. She is now in a place of power in her organization and is beginning to notice the impact that experience had on her. Tiffany had created a wall between herself and her own intuition that gave her signals she was working too hard, and when her boundaries were being violated. A part of her had become numb. As a consequence, she often became sick or felt burned out. She is now starting to unthaw that part of herself, and experiencing some anger and regret. She is starting to ask herself, “When is the emotional task too much?” “How can I respect my boundaries?” Here are some tools we provided Tiffany to support her in making that assessment:
Head: What is the higher purpose you are currently trying to serve?
When we create these survival mechanisms, in order to reach and maintain positions of power in our organizations, we hide important parts of ourselves. This can be like wearing a mask. It is actually OK to wear a mask, when necessary. The key is to ensure that you are wearing the mask, and the mask isn’t wearing you.
On the basketball court, the late Kobe Bryant wore a mask that he called the “Black Mamba.” This mask helped him deal with the fallout of a controversial time in his life, and we acknowledge that his actions impacted many. But Bryant’s “Black Mamba” is a useful example that illustrates this idea of wearing a mask.
After his legal challenges in 2003, the fans were no longer welcoming to Bryant on the basketball court, a place where he was used to finding refuge. To get through that time, he explained that “Kobe” was tasked with dealing with all of his personal challenges and “Black Mamba” handled the business of basketball. “When I step on that court, I become that. I am that killer snake. I’m stone cold, man.”
Bryant chose to wear that mask in service of his higher purpose. It helped him do what was needed, in the moment, to achieve that purpose. He was conscious of when he had it on and when he took it off. There was certainly an emotional tax involved in wearing that mask — there always is — but in that moment the mask served a purpose, and the benefits of wearing it outweighed the costs.
In Tiffany’s case, she had lost touch with her deepest self, and had begun to mistake her survival mechanism for who she actually was.
Heart: How do you stay in touch with who you are if you are wearing a mask?
Make a regular practice of connecting to your deepest self. Think about a group or community where you feel a sense of belonging. What makes you feel that way? Community? Mutual love? Authentic connection? Ensure that if you are choosing to wear a mask to serve a higher purpose, you are also in touch with what makes you feel a sense of belonging, and you are taking intentional time to create and exist in spaces where you can be your authentic self. Tiffany realized she is currently working in an environment where she has the ability to create an inclusive culture. As she works to influence the culture in her work environment — making it culturally competent enough to fully support her as a Black woman — she relies heavily and intentionally on connections with her family to stay grounded in her authentic self.
Another great way to stay connected to the essence of our authentic self is to check in with our bodies. “Our bodies hold memories of our essential nature and can help us reconnect to our essence,” writes Chichi Angrom in The Enneagram for Black Liberation. Knowing the difference between how it feels in your body when you are feeling a sense of belonging, and how it feels when you are not, can give you an indication of what your authentic self truly feels like.
Hands: Is the mask still serving you in the moment?
Regularly assess the benefits and costs of wearing the mask. Sometimes we get so accustomed to these masks that we forget we are wearing them. We should consistently test whether they are still needed. Sometimes our environments shift. Sometimes we actually have the ability to shift our environment.
Sometimes we need to shift to find a new environment, one that won’t create such a high emotional tax. Tiffany chose to shift her environment, and began creating a culture where she — and others — could feel a sense of belonging within the organization. This shift included expanding the diversity of the current team, and deepening the relationships between team members to create a space for vulnerability and connection.
It is important to do this assessment for yourself regularly. Be honest about the emotional tax you are paying, and ensure that you are choosing the mask — and the costs associated with it — rather than letting the mask choose you.
