The “slap heard around the world” set off a firestorm of debate around who was right — Will Smith or Chris Rock — and what could have been done differently. Depending on our own mental model, we could have varied perspectives on this topic. Tiffany Haddish commented, “As a woman, who has been unprotected, for someone to say like, ‘Keep my wife’s name out your mouth, leave my wife alone,’ that’s what your husband is supposed to do, right? Protect you. And that meant the world to me.”

Whereas Amy Schumer, one of the co-hosts for the evening, commented, “All I can say is that it was really sad, and I think it says so much about toxic masculinity.”

There has been enough dialogue already on what was right or wrong about how each of the involved parties reacted, so I will focus this blog on a topic that comes up often in H3Diversity’s leadership training: How do we have uncomfortable conversations, particularly when we are experiencing a trigger?

First, let’s establish a grounding in what “being triggered” actually means. According to the America Psychological Association, a trigger is “a stimulus that elicits a reaction. For example, an event could be a trigger for a memory of a past experience and an accompanying state of emotional arousal.” The emotion experienced as a result of the trigger can be extreme overwhelm or stress, because the conditions that caused the trigger are reminders of past trauma. Our tendency, when experiencing an emotional trigger, is to bypass rational thought and move immediately to fight, flight, or freeze. 

Responding this way, when we are not, in fact, in emergency, life-or-death situations, has consequences for ourselves, and for others. So when we experience this emotional state at work — or, for example, at the Oscars — what can we do to maximize the possibilities of a productive dialogue and outcome? Here are three simple questions we can ask:

• Heart: How can I accept what is true for me in this moment?
• Head: How can I accept what else might be true in this moment?
• Hands: What action can I take that honors all of these truths?

Heart: How can I honor what’s true for me in this moment?

Oftentimes when we are experiencing a trigger, we have a physiological response. In H3Diversity trainings, some participants talk about having shortness of breath, sweating, and wanting to shut down. Our reaction to this physiological response is to get rid of the source of discomfort as quickly as possible. This can take different forms ranging from simply disengaging from the conversation all the way to the extreme of inciting a violent confrontation. 

The first step — and it can be a difficult one — is to observe your overall reaction.  Ask yourself: What emotions am I feeling? What’s happening in my body? What are my thoughts? Then ask the question: How can I accept my truth in this moment? 

The most common mistake we see leaders make is to ignore, dismiss, or try to push away their reaction. What we resist, persists. Those strong reactions arise for important reasons that need to be acknowledged. In the case of the Will Smith/Chris Rock incident, many have speculated that the reaction came from Will’s Smith’s past trauma, and his feelings about how he failed to defend women he loves. Therefore Chris Rock’s joke created conditions that triggered past trauma Will had not resolved.

By not pausing and acknowledging the reaction you are experiencing, you are often continuing the dynamic that lodged the trauma in your psyche: not being seen, heard, and supported in a time of distress. Honor those emotions by having compassion for yourself, and the reasons why you may be having a reaction. 

Head: How can I honor what else might be true in this moment?

Because these reactions are often stimulated by conditions that our mind confuses with a past traumatic event, it is important for us to get curious about what else might be true in this situation. It can be helpful to think about the difference between what someone videotaping an incident might observe, versus how that incident might be personally experienced by those involved.

In the case of Will Smith and Chris Rock some of the observable facts (since this was literally recorded) are that: 1) Will, Jada, and Chris were at the Oscars, which is one of the premiere entertainment industry events and has high public visibility; 2) Chris was one the hosts of the show; 3) Will and Jada were sitting near the stage; 4) Chris Rock told a joke about Jada Pinkett-Smith, likening her to GI Jane; 5) Will Smith initially smiled when hearing the joke, Jada Pinkett-Smith did not;  6) Will Smith was subsequently upset by the joke. 

What is not so easily observable are the past traumas that all three might be bringing into this moment, and how those traumas affected the joke’s impact on each of them.

Getting curious about the observable facts can help regulate emotion and ground you in what is true in the present moment, as separate from the past trauma that you may be reliving.

Hands: What action can I take that honors all of these truths?

There is no cookie-cutter response to these situations, however, we recommend that the goal of any reaction be to honor the data gathered by getting curious — using the heart and the head — and choosing an action that honors both. Here is an example of what would be an aligned head, heart, and hands reaction for Will in this situation: 

• Heart: Pay attention and honor his response to seeing the woman he loves being insulted. Take a deep breath and give compassion to both himself and Jada for the impact the situation is having.
• Head: Gather information. Get curious about whether the response he is having is commensurate with the actual situation (i.e. is my wife being physically threatened right now?). Ask Jada how she would want to be defended and supported in that moment.
• Hands: Choose a response that leverages the emotional data and the contextual data by making a decision that honors both. Importantly, try not to ignore any of the data in formulating your course of action. This will enable you to support yourself in honoring the present moment AND the unresolved trauma. For example, Will could have taken some time out of his acceptance speech, after consulting with his wife, to express the impact Chris’ joke had on both of them, and to set clear boundaries about what will be acceptable to them in the future.

Everything is easier in hindsight, and we are all vulnerable to having our emotional brain hijack our logical brain. However, brave conversations, fueled by intent and curiosity, are possible in the midst of triggered reactions and, with practice, the ability to have those conversations is a skill set that anyone can acquire.